i just thought the pic was cute - no, i don't have green hair! ha ha.

i've been learning alot lately through joel osteen and trying to let God use it in my life. one thing he taught about is how God does not let things happens to me but for me. he says that if we allow Him to, God plants seeds from events that happen in our life that we may think is a negative or too hard to overcome, God plants these as seeds to show His power and plan in our lives if we let Him.

it's hard but i'm trying. i guess cuz i cared alot for RMan and miss him alot. dumb as that may sound to someone on the outside. he just quit talking to me and as far as i knew, we had a good relationship. i always thought when you had a disagreement in a relationship, you didn't end the relationship - you talked it out. apparently he just walks away. so...i've given that to God and I know He has a plan and a purpose.

He knows my heart hurts and some days are better than others. I know my heart will heal and I will be better and stronger for it. And God has a different plan for me than I thought and that's okay, too. But the down days are really hard to get through, you know?

It was an awesome football weekend. Alabama won, Auburn lost, Tennessee (spit) lost...ah, now that's a good weekend. I spent it alone but that's okay. I baked some boneless ribs -so tender the meat falls off, no knife needed, thank ewe.

I still haven't decided to date anyone else but eventually I will. My birthday is Tuesday and this year, honestly, I don't care. RMan and I had plans to make it a special day and I guess that's what's pulling me down. But each day is a gift from God as Joel Osteen says - don't let any person steal the joy that God gives us as one of his precious gifts. So, I'll lift up praises and thanksgiving and eventually my heart will stop hurting.

I have Stephen this weekend. He just turned 15. I bought him a new skateboard for his birthday and this w/end we go back to get the new wheels and something they mount on. Kids!

Ever the detective (I do have a C.J. degree!) I have gotten bits of pieces of RMan and the dumping incident. I don't have the whole picture 'cuz he won't talk to me.

Basically, he was upset because my son's family birthday party was at the ex's house and all my family was going to be there. He had met my family, decided they didn't want me with him (don't know why, nobody said that to me) and then became really mad when I said he had to go with me. That's when he just quit talking to me - no calls, no texts, won't take my calls. He talks big but in reality, he's just an immature, selfish coward if you ask me. But what do I know? I was dumb enough to date him.

I've been to things with him with his ex there - listened to countless stories of "she wants me back," "Bunny wants me," "So and so's mom wants me" from him...but I don't think he has healed from his divorce. Honestly, I think he's so angry with his ex because he still loves her. He kept telling me - she texts me alot, she calls me about the kids - and I didn't think twice about it. But actually, I think he still loves her.

I do better now. I can't look at pics of him - dumb as that may sound, because they make me cry. My heart still hurts and is still said but I just keep praying for God to heal it. I'm not strong enough to heal it myself so I sure hope He does. I still stare off into space cuz I'm depressed but it will pass. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time. That's the best I can do right now but it's better than I could do last week. So...

I won't lie - it's been a long, long week. RMan's neice contacted me and the family is most unhappy with him. His own daughter is confused and dang! Even the ex-wife said she was disappointed in him. So am I. My heart hasn't hurt like this in a long, long time.

I tried going out on a date this past Wednesday but it was too soon. The guy had this sense of humor I don't really like. For example, instead of saying, "when would you like to go out again?" he says, "when are you going to do me again?" I looked at him and said, "excuse me?" and then he says, "oh, I dropped some words. I mean when are you going to do dinner with me again?" I am thinking, "um, NEVER" but I just put him off. Honestly, I know I should but I just don't want to date anyone right now.

It takes time for a heart to heal and mine still hurts. I had my weekend pity party last weekend. Now I just have to deal with the sadness and once I can move past that, I can date again. I just still miss him very much.

Bobby Allison once said...

After losing his son, Clifford, in August 1992 and his other son, Davey, in July 1993, Bobby Allison once said, "You will drive yourself crazy asking God "why?" You can only accept it and move on." Well, I'm in that "why?" mode, even though I know it does no good to ask.

>Why did the guy I was dating dump me? I don't know. 4 months down the drain. I can only guess he wasn't happy nor was he man enough to talk to me about it. I'll be honest - if you hurt my feelings or make me mad, I tell you. I'm not ugly about it, I don't yell, I don't cuss, I just try to explain that it hurts my feelings. I guess he doesn't like that in a woman. I'm not gonna change. Hell, I'm too old to change but you know what? I expect the same from a person I'm in a relationship with. To just walk away makes a person look like a coward. To just stop talking to someone means you feel guilty about something you've done. Either way - it ain't right.

>Why does my family favor my ex over me? No, you read it right. "MY" family. They've been saying it's because of my son but I've noticed in the last year that they only do things to help Stephen when the EX has him. Never when I do. School clothes shopping? When the ex has him. Birthday party? When the ex says so. Let me back up and say that we have joint custody but the ex is the primary. That's cuz he had been socking away money behind my back for years and had thousands of dollars in the bank, waited till I was working part-time and threw me out. I was broke and "my" family wouldn't help me get to Court. Nothing I hate more than two-faced people, kin or not, unless it's being dumped.

>Why did I want to be "grown up" when I was little and now that I am - it sucks. Okay, my daddy died when I was 9 but he had planned well financially and my mother never ever had to work. She lived 22 years after his death and was well-taken care of the whole time. She didn't have it easy - she battled breast cancer twice and bone cancer before she died. But she never gave up until the cancer had her bed-ridden and in so much pain, she couldn't move. She was the meanest white woman alive when she was here, she never hugged me or said "I love you" like my daddy always did. I miss her more than I can tell you.

>Why am I sensitive? I am - I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets smacked around and stomped on more than I can tell you. But I like that I am a caring person that tries to help others - even if it's cleaning out your neices' pool cuz you won't do it or teaching adults how to read (yeah, I do that) - and even though I end up getting hurt, I don't think I want to change that part about me.

>Why aren't there aren't enough caring, real people in the world? There are plenty of two-faced people and people who dump you without even discussing things - oh wait, I've already pointed that out. See, that's the stubborn part of me talking now. Yeah, I'm stubborn. Hard-headed, too. I'm also funny, loving, sensitive, giving...what? My faults? Hey, I gave you two - stubborn and hard-headed (I know, they're the same). That's enough!! See, told you I was stubborn!!

I guess

I've been dumped by RMan. He started acting weird last weekend and all this week and now he won't even answer when I call. I have no idea why except he was upset that my son's birthday party is tomorrow at the ex's and the family is going and I'm going. I asked him to go with me and he said he'd go but reluctantly because my family wants me back with the ex. He must have chewed me out three or four times about that since he met my family. The thing is, who cares what THEY want? I am not going back to that life.

I won't lie to you and tell you it doesn't hurt. It does, very much. I am doing my best to remember God always knows what is best but this is difficult to work through. It is for the best - he called me chunky and was always on me to lose weight (I wear a size 14; it's not like I'm an XXXL or something). So I do need someone more positive in my life who can accept me as I am. I just right now don't feel like there is anyone out there that can. Say a little prayer for me - it's gonna be a long weekend....

Wow

Is it September 5th already?! I am counting down the days until the 23rd when I turn 4(mumble)... I can remember turning 21 (back in the day) and thinking to myself, "Well, it's alllll over. I'm old." Gosh, if only I knew...


These are my two bosses - EBP on the left and JRL on the right. (It's an attorney thing to go by your initials.) With JRL, we are all just happy that he showed UP for his picture on time and dressed appropriately. He's a bit of a rebel....but awesome to work with. EBP is just a good ole country boy...smarter than you can ever imagine, too. Aw shucks, ma'am....you hear that alot with him:) I should add, we are happy also that JRL is sober in his picture...dude likes to par-tay!! He's a doll, though.